the good. the bad. the ugly

They urge you on to do something you know very well will get you into trouble. They say you need to. “We will be here for you.” convincing you that they have your back. You muster up enough courage to open your mouth. Trembling and completely freaked out on the inside, the words spew out, not necessarily in the order you had rehearsed. And yes the minute they are out, your world starts to crumble right before your eyes.

Fear creeps up and questions fill your mind. “Why did I open up my mouth?” “Was it worth it?” Should you just have repressed it and moved on like always. “There’s hope,” you tell yourself. “I still have support and somehow things will work out.” You reach out to the one who claimed they have your back and they tell you to give it some time. And so you do. Heartbroken, totally confused, cursing yourself and afraid. “Is this the last straw?” days pass, phone calls are never returned. Your go to guy is too busy. “Why the heck did I open my mouth?” “Why did I ever believe there was safety in speaking up?” your world crumbles in slow motion. You regret the day you ever ventured out of your shell. You curse the day you broke down the walls to your stronghold. You should have stayed in. it was safer there. At least you would still be alive inside.

In your head, skeletons keep popping up. Eerie music and accusations haunts you. You have single handedly turned your world upside down. Nothing is the same. Past issues loom over your head. “See what you’ve gone and done.” The voices shout out. “You made your bed now lay in it.”

“Did you ever think anything good would come out of this?” “Who do you think you are, you have never been much.” “How you thought coming clean would help you, I have no idea.” You cringe at the thought of facing each day. One by one what you thought would be anchors fall off and you are left in the ring alone, lions all around you roaring and threatening ready to pounce on you and end your life. That doesn’t seem like such a bad idea. Maybe a blow from its paw would do the trick. Send you to kingdom come just so you could have some peace.

Some days are better than others. Worse still, are the triggers, some you cannot shake off and each time they rear their heads, the accusations, questions and curses all well up in chorus. Trapped, alone and sometimes defeated. Thoughts run through your mind, thoughts that people would deem improper and outrageous. But the truth is, until they feel your pain would they ever understand.

You fight back. Each day you wake up, you fight. Your strength fails you some days and you just want to curl up in a ball and have the ground swallow you up. To the world, you need to be fine. Watching other people getting on with their lives makes you feel sick.  “When will this end?” “Will it ever?” Things seem alright but there’s an underlying current that trumps that illusion.

Maybe you shouldn’t have done what you did. But you did and you are where you are now because of that. In a sense though, you are free. Now you have nothing to hide. The echoes of the past resound. The actions of the present don’t help either. You are crushed at the fact that you are alone. And it seems like you are the only one in pain. The problem is you have no idea what to do about it. You trusted and died in the process. So now you trek back to your once safe place. Looking to build up your fortress again and dwell there for the rest of your days or until the lions paw smacks you hard enough to end your misery.

You have no idea who you have become and you don’t know who you are meant to be. “Is this how it ends?” Your heart bleeds, crying out to God, that’s all you can do now. Waiting on Him to have mercy on you.  Purposing everyday to trust without wavering. The tears come; nowadays they run down a lot.  But the world cannot be allowed to see, because the world cannot wipe them away. They claim to be there, but really they are not.

One thing that will remain true is, you will always take responsibility for your actions, good, bad or ugly. What the world dishes out then is up to the world. If you could just discover that back exit, maybe you would have used it.

Today you are weary from all the fighting. You are told it’s darkest before dawn. But the sun doesn’t seem to be in any hurry to rise.  You wish you could shake off the triggers then maybe things would be a tad better. You have no idea how to do that. Perhaps you should blind yourself.

It is said that everything happens for a reason. Right now that sounds like the most redundant cliché. Reality is you hate who you have become and if you need to die in order to rise again then probably this is your death. Slow and painful. Rest in peace?

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